Dear Uncle Gary,
I recently spent the day with a longtime friend I hadn’t seen in over a year. We attended university together, and he and his wife have just retired to Palm Springs, where I live. What was meant to be a pleasant reunion, golf, lunch, and drinks, quickly became uncomfortable. My friend has developed an off-putting habit: constant eye rubbing, nose picking, wiping mucus on his shirt, and picking at his ears. It continued throughout the day, on the green and at the clubhouse.
I was so unsettled by his behavior that I canceled our evening plans with our wives. I’m unsure how to address this without causing embarrassment or damaging the friendship. What would you do?
Sincerely, Grossed Out
Dear Grossed Out,
You did the right thing. There’s no rule that says friendship requires enduring a full-body hygiene meltdown over lunch.
Still, this is tricky. You care about this person. You have history. But now you’re faced with a behavior that’s not just unpleasant, it’s disruptive. And the worst part? He may not even realize it.
If you want to preserve the friendship, you’ll need to decide whether to speak up or step back. A gentle, private conversation might help, something like, “I noticed a few habits that made me uncomfortable. I value our time together, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.” It’s awkward, yes. But it’s also honest.
If that feels impossible, you’re allowed to create distance. Not out of judgment, but out of self-respect. You’re not obligated to endure discomfort just because someone used to be less gross.
Friendship in retirement should feel like a reward, not a test of your gag reflex.
With sympathy and sanitizer, Uncle Gary
