Dear Uncle Gary, I’m a sophomore at my dream university in Rhode Island, and I just pledged my dad’s old fraternity. He’s white, my mom’s Black, and growing up, I heard all his stories of brotherhood, campus life, the whole legacy, and I was excited to build my own version of that.
So far, everyone’s been welcoming. But now and then, I hear things like, “You’re not like those other guys,” or “I think of you as one of us.” It’s subtle, but it stings. I know they mean it as a compliment, but it’s laced with assumptions about race that they don’t even realize they’re making.
I don’t want to be the guy who’s always calling things out. But I also don’t want to keep swallowing these comments like they’re harmless. How do I speak up without being labeled as overly sensitive?
Signed One of Us,
Dear One of Us,
Those comments, “You’re not like those other guys,” “I think of you as one of us,” aren’t compliments. They’re coded. They’re casual racism dressed up as inclusion. And they’re exhausting.
You’re navigating a legacy system built for someone else, wearing a smile while people try to decide if you “count.” Your dad’s fraternity may have opened the door, but you’re the one walking through it with a different history, a different lens, and a whole lot more to carry.
So how do you speak up without being labeled hypersensitive? You start by trusting your gut. If it bugs you, it matters. You don’t have to launch a TED Talk every time someone says something off. Sometimes it’s as simple as: “Hey, I know you didn’t mean anything by that, but it lands weird.” Or: “That kind of comment makes me feel like I’m being measured against a stereotype.”
You’re not calling anyone a racist. You’re calling attention to a blind spot. And if they care about you, they’ll listen. If they don’t, well, that tells you something too.
You’re not there to educate everyone. But you are allowed to protect your peace. You’re allowed to say, “That’s not okay,” and still be part of the brotherhood. Because real brotherhood doesn’t ask you to shrink yourself to fit in. It makes room.
Keep showing up. Keep speaking up. And remember: you’re not the problem. You’re the upgrade.
With respect and a raised eyebrow, Uncle Gary
