What do you do when someone fades out but never says goodbye?
#AskUncleGary #AdviceColumn #SoCalMag
Dear Uncle Gary,
My boyfriend Jake and I have been together for almost six months. We’re both in our early 20s, still living at home, me juggling community college and a part-time job, him working full-time as a mechanic. Lately, something’s shifted. He’s distant. I still drop by after school, but when he’s home, he barely looks up from his phone. We talk, but he never wants to hang out. I figured maybe he was over it, and I started preparing myself to move on.
Then his mom called, asking why I hadn’t been around. I told her Jake doesn’t seem interested anymore. She sounded surprised. Now I’m wondering: is he pulling away, or just disappearing into his screen? It feels like I’m competing with a phone, not another woman. I don’t know how to reach him anymore, and I’m not sure if I should keep trying.
What do you do when someone fades out but never says goodbye?
Signed What Happened to Jake,
Dear What Happened to Jake,
Something shifted, and you felt it before anyone said a word. That’s the thing about emotional distance, it doesn’t slam the door, it just slowly stops answering it.
Jake’s behavior sounds like a slow fade, not a clean break. He’s present but not engaged, polite but not connected. And while his mom’s call might suggest he hasn’t told her much, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re being left to guess. That’s not fair, and it’s not love.
Now, about the phone. It’s easy to blame the screen, it’s always on, always responsive, never asks for emotional vulnerability. But the real issue isn’t the phone. It’s that Jake’s using it to hide. From you, from himself, maybe from whatever feelings he doesn’t know how to deal with.
You deserve someone who shows up with both presence and intention. Someone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re interrupting their scroll. If Jake can’t offer that, and won’t talk about why, then yes, it’s okay to walk away. Not out of anger, but out of self-respect.
And if he ever wonders why you stopped showing up, you can say: “I didn’t disappear. I just stopped chasing silence.”
With love and clarity, Uncle Gary
